because now my eyeballs feel like they're vibrating and other reasons why I need to stop caring what other people think.

when I'm home for Christmas, I do believe I'll need to invest in some Steelers stickers to apply to items I enjoy [or need] and wish to not-lose. In three days, I have misplaced as many mugs. the only two vessels for drinking I have not lost this week are adorned with Steelers' praise: one mug, one thermos.

speaking of thermoses (I wanted so much for "thermi" to be a word -- alas!), why are they not still popular? I remember in my grade school days, I could not purchase a lunchbox without also getting a thermos. granted, I cannot recall a single instance in which I used one. in fact, I actively tease my boss who brings one to work. BUT TODAY, I understand.

for a really embarrassing reason, too. I packed up my gear and holed myself up in the library for studying and homeworking. I'm not sure how many ounces of caffeinated liquid this thermos can hold, but there seem to be a lot of them. And in this library, drinks and noises are prohibited. Though to be fair, in this little cubicle, I have nothing but my own possessions to destroy with my ginger tea and plenty of swiped alcohol swabs floating in the bottom of my purse with which I can clean up if the worst should happen. plus, the librarian is holding a gigantic DD cup, so I've pretty much rationalized my way out of guilt... though, at this point, I don't think I'm capable of many thoughts different than AM I GOING TO DIE?

See, the second floor of the library is dedicated to "quiet study," an oft-ignored sentiment enforced today because of...

-squints, turns around-

CPT post-testing, whatever that is. grand! I needed this. however, I didn't realize just how big of a douche I would sound like, popping my thermos open and closed every time I wanted a sip of ginger tea. And two times in, I figured, well. this is it. crankypants is going to bust me for making a ruckus, so I may as well drink all of my hot beverage now before it gets cold, since I left the thermos open. Thermoses work amazingly well, I noticed. Four miniature cups of ginger tea in, it was still piping hot. but I could not wrap my mind around the fact that my mini- I want to say colander, but I know that's not right - hot-thing is doing its DAMN JOB and keeping my tea extra hot, just south of boiling. Plus, of course, I couldn't have made coffee like a normal person. No, I had to make that anti-inflammatory Dr. Weil tea with an incomprehensible amount of dried ginger and honey in it, so I hack a little after each sip. it's good. it's hot. it's sweet. it's spicy. and it seems to be doing a number on the cold I woke up with, but the whole noises thing? not helping.

so yes, I consumed -- CARAFE. that was the word I was looking for. ahem. sorry. -- yes, so I drank all of the tea. so now I'm jittery and giggly and self-conscious because care plans for urinary tract infections aren't this funny and legit NOTHING is funny about the renal system and its dysfunction and I am not at all productive and I'm pretty sure I'm going to die because my heart is beating so loud in my eardrums and my eyeballs feel like they're vibrating and I really should have eaten something for lunch by now but my lunch is all the way downstairs in my car because I thought it would be poor form to bring a thermos and a packed lunch in the library but I'm thinking I kinda need it now.

also, I sort of didn't do my weekly self-evals because up until now, I have been writing them based on how I felt someone else felt about me. but now, I know I'm not as big of a jackass as some others believe me to be, so it's difficult to conjure up what I really think about myself. because I do tend to respond to people the way they respond to me. so when someone is impatient with me and mad because they think I'm messing up, I'll like drop shit and feel like a doofus. but if nothing else I have learned this semester, it's that I cannot define myself by other's standards of me or I will never survive. I need to figure out who I am and what I'm capable of and ask for help when I need it and rise to a challenge when I ask for it. because I learn quickly and adapt adeptly and make new friends begrudgingly and care infinitely and prepare thoroughly and misplaced humility or lack of confidence isn't worth a damn in nursing school because everyone loves a good character arc and I'm changing all the time. and it's a beautiful thing. but remembering where I started compared to where I have been is difficult when I didn't fill them out in a timely fashion, so I'm trying to hit the highlights here. I can spike and prime a bag. I can make a grand gesture to win a stranger's trust. I can find out what is most important to a person. I can teach what I have learned to many different personality styles and levels of comprehension. I can remember names and faces and stories and triumphs and trials and failures and loss. I have never hugged so many strangers or blessed so many with green tea lattes and an encouraging word. I can perform an NIH stroke scale from memory. I can apply mascara at five am. I can listen. I can talk. I can speak up. I can do this.

think I can print out this blog entry and hand it in for my final eval?