patience and penlights.

I have crevices in my teeth, the deepest craters of which are impenetrable by even the goofiest looking toothbrush. as a result, I periodically have acrylic gook pumped into them as a prophylactic measure against decay because I went through a lot of pain -- both physical and psychosocial -- to get my teeth so straight and so clean-clean. not gonna give that up now.

only trouble is, I hate that gook. It smells like acrylic nail sludge was concentrated, with a little added hate. and my teeth are like ticklish. It's weird. my current dentist tells me I'm the only client of his who laughs during the procedure. Though, if it's nerves or veritable ticklishness, I cannot be sure. and that typical teeth polishing business? forget about it. just hearing the polishing brush turn mildly sets off my gag reflex.

so today, I almost made it out the door without a proper checkup by the dentist. shucks and darn, he caught me. and he suggested I take a seat in the next room over so the hygienist could continue cleaning up my microscopic tooth shards off my pre-warmed chair. it's always funny to reflect on what matters are most pressing at a given time -- in that moment, all that mattered was my cold bum.

my dentist was just finishing up the exam, when he points out a 2mm by 2mm bleb on the left tonsillar region of my oropharynx (not quite throat, for you lay-folk). He prefaced the explanation with, "this is outside my scope of practice, but..." which sounds a bit like "OMFGZ HOLICRAP" to me. He suggests I go check it out, biopsy it if I must. It could be nothing. It could be a papilloma. It could be early stage throat cancer.

In all likelihood, it's like that skin tag on my chin... you know, that thing my dad tried to perform the horrifying, parent-patented "lick the thumb, swab it away" method every Sunday at church for my first eleven years. you'd think after the first time I shouted, "DAD! That has always been there!" he would have learned. You would be wrong.

but let's be real here. I do not use tobacco of any sort. I have been vaccinated against many, many strains of HPV. I eat fruits and veggies. I exercise. I de-stress. Just to be on the safe side, though, I'll be eating a metric eff-ton of leafy greens and adding green blurfs to all of my beverages and taking ALL the vitamins and practicing ALL the yoga between now and Wednesday. but fo serious. I have cried it all out (I think). I can't wait for Wednesday to hear, "legit. it's nothing."

P.S. pro tip: if you are trying to use a penlight to look down your own throat, point it at you in real life, not your mirror-throat. that will only complicate things and leave you with floaters.