don't misunderstand; I do what I want.

I was all nervous for my final clinical evaluation earlier today.
I sat down in my professor's office, professionally dressed.
she took one look at me and laughed. "How are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm a little nervous, but otherwise really good. How are you?"
"Well, don't you know you passed? What is there to be nervous about?"
"Uhm, well... I do now."
"Don't be silly, you would know if you weren't passing."

a thousand mental pictures of rolled eyes, gritted teeth, and stamped feet flooded my mind's eye. my heart rate climbed.

"Uh, how?"
"We would have created a plan together to help you suck less."
"Thank you?"

She went on to say that on a scale of embarrassment to the program and the institution to self-directed, I was graded a "supervised" because I "lack confidence." Otherwise, I would have been a sure "self-directed." [FUUUUUU----] She passed me her summary of my clinical performance which, by the by, was written free-hand and without all the stuff-me-in-a-box clinical jargon with which I struggled. I whispered that I was jealous that she got to write in free form.

She asked if there was anything I wanted to say because if not, I could leave. I stared at her for a moment. Wait, this is what I sweated all morning? Uhm, no. I was going to fill the void with words until I felt I had overstayed my welcome.

Quite unprovoked, I said, "The most learning I did this semester was about myself. Sure, my dexterity improved and I learned how to manipulate my voice for those hard of hearing to better understand me and skills I wasn't aware even existed. But mostly, I learned that I am smart. I am capable. I am compassionate. My work is worthy of praise. And above all, I learned that I can no longer subsist on the opinions of others. Approval won't always be forthcoming, so I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. Be confident in the face of adversity. Because I am good at what I do. I have no idea how to implement that, but I think I'm making progress."

In reply, I got, "you should be a writer."

heh. heh. I TRIED THAT ALREADY. Also, you just told me that if I wasn't so damn insecure, I would be an early self-directed. so I'm stickin' with nurse. final answer.

"But you're right. You should be confident. You're smart. You have no idea what your strengths are. I think that's because you have so many. So work on that. Learn from this, okay? Anything else?"

If I hadn't been seated already, I may have hit the ground. Learn confidence. Okay, no clue how to do that. But uhhhh -- confidence. And before I even really understood what was happening, I was ushered out the door. I continued walking down the hallway in a bit of a fog. is this real life?