For the holidays, you can't beat... your relatives.

that will send you to jail.

But in spite of our storied history, being with family for Christmas made for a fabulous time. I didn't properly journal while I was at home, so here are the highlights as I remember them:

Saturday -- Christmas with the Conrads! Silly me, I thought the gift swap was a Secret Santa Situation. This was untrue, so as labeled gifts were being unwrapped and thanks given, I had to divulge that I was Maggie's Santa. And not very secret. eep. And the cheesecake? I dream about that stuff.

Later, the three amigas hit the South Side. Literally nothing beats a microbrewery/bar wherein a cover band in lederhosen sings Billy Joel and patrons young and old dance on the benches and sing German drinking songs. Except maybe having deep life-conversations standing on said benches. What can I say? I love my girls. On the drive back, Diddle noticed that one car had been following us for an abnormally long period of time. Given the suburban setting and multiple turns, it began to put her on edge. We slowed to a halt in front of Aunt Eileen's house, and so did our followers. Mild panic set in inside the car. are all the windows up? doors locked? is that a man walking up to the house? are we witnessing a robbery? Oh, no. that's just Joshua! ha-ha.

Sunday -- a man with an improbable name gave us his Steelers tickets for the day. I watched Pittsburgh Dad on the big screen while eating a Primanti Brother's sandwich. Is there such a thing more Yinzeriffic than that? [probably not] 'twas the 40th anniversary of the Immaculate Reception, and there was many a celebration: Terry Bradshaw's daughter sang the national anthem, and Steelers players past congregated to remember what was arguably the luckiest darn play in all sports history. [see link posted earlier if you are unfamiliar with the play]

We left after the halftime show for MOAR FAMILY THINGS. Group holiday charades took our collective minds off the football heartbreak. Further cushioning included food that would increase physiologic cushioning: ham, macaroni and cheese, stuffed shells, and you guessed it. more cheesecake. We followed dinner up with the game that could get bloody, Pictionary. The "mature" team made for one my all-time favorite Pictionary moments. It was an all play, difficult. The item our teams needed to guess was "health." I hadn't even drawn my second running buddy stick figure when the mature team thunderously rose to their feet, danced around and shouted, "STOOOP THE TIMER." Befuddled, we asked what on earth they drew. The pad revealed two trees and a tree stump. "In your face, stuuuuump."

"But the word was 'health,'" I said. Three shocked faces stared back at me, and the room erupted in laughter. The other two teams compared drawings and conferred about what to do. It was decided that the mature team did guess a word, so they took the round (if only because we couldn't bear another difficult all play).

Monday -- a day of relaxation and reflection and dishes.In the morning, we visited the cousins. The tree! The cookies! The teasing! My intractable case of foot-in-mouth disease! I was seated on the opposite end of the table as the adults (I will never be leaving the children's table), and our conversation lulled just in time for me to hear "C. Diff." I could be automatically failed from nursing school for my response: GROSS. "Caitlyn knows. Yeah, it sucks." oh, shoot. we were talking about someone in the room having modern day dysentery? ughhh, hate my life.

 The discussion all afternoon centered on whether or not I would attend church. church on Christmas Eve? who does that? well, apparently, I do. you know, atone for my big mouth and all that. and I'm so very glad I did. I met my friend's beautiful, blue-eyed baby -- he is five months old! How time flies. :'( And I quite nearly chased another old friend into the bathroom. No fear, I caught up with her.

~sidebar: boys, I will never understand themz.

Tuesday -- Christmas morning, we headed over to the little brothers' house for brunch. I will never leave the kids' table, and here's another reason why. My lovely stepbrother, Alex, has had his share of self-inflicted hardships. And over the years, he has projected his deep unhappiness onto others, siblings included. This Christmas, he interrupted our five-way bickering and poking fun at each other to announce to Joshua and I that, "even though you're probably not legally my brother and sister, we're still family."

I couldn't just let a gooey sentiment go un-mocked. In reply, I answered, "To answer your question, Alex, yes. It would be weird if you asked Joshua out on a date."
"I hate you. for so many reasons." mmhmm, I know.

Speaking of how I am a terrible person, between the brunch and early dinner, I accompanied Aunt Kay to her friend's house, who lives in the same neighborhood as an ex-friend. Every time a car drove up the hill, I dove behind the bushes. Why every time, you ask? Because aforementioned friend didn't answer the doorbell because the sound of our knocking was obscured by a hairdryer. We were standing outside for a tepid minute. The visit was lovely, though, and certainly worth the wait.

Back at Aunt Eileen's house, I met her boyfriend, Jim. Yeah, that awkward moment when the most vehement man-hater you know has a boyfriend, and you don't... sadface. Back on point here. So, he and his nephew leave after a very short while. What do Aunt Mary Kay and I decide to do? Tease her, of course! "So, Aunt Eileen, is he your booooyfrieeeend?"
"Temporarily, yeah."
"Temporarily? Aunt Eileen, what scandal!"
"Yes, temporarily. He is in the habit of leaving me."

I... wow. way to take it to a dark place. Only after I made this comment was the story confirmed of how this same Jim was the guy who Aunt Eileen called to confirm their date one Saturday evening when an older gentleman answered the phone and told her that no, he was not in. He was at his rehearsal dinner. His wedding was the next day. Caitlyn jerk points +7. [Joshua says, "only seven?!?" and now he's whining about my punctuation. wah, wahh, wahhh.]

dinner. presents. fake mustaches. love. peace. Pittsburgh.