vulnerability is not weakness and other disputed truths.

hi, all. I must apologize for falling off the face of the earth. I grew accustomed to writing about my personal growth (and completely foolish moments) on here, but for the last few weeks, I have been graded on these thoughts and feelings during my mental health rotations. I also just realized I stopped blogging right after I explored my thoughts and feelings on depression. LULZORZ, sorry if I scared the crap out of some of you. I have no suicidal ideations. In fact, I am completing crisis training for the Samaritans Group. Check out their story here.

So here is a quick synopsis of things I have gleaned from my time in mental health, which I will call "Practicing What I Test Well In." [or perhaps, "How Did You Not Know That, Caitlyn? 'Cause It's More Difficult Than It Sounds, Rude."]
-- like the title of this blog posts suggests, vulnerability is not weakness. possessing the courage to reveal yourself to another is a strength that not everyone is capable of displaying, no matter how evolved the individual claims to be. vulnerability and bravery will not always pay in dividends. you may be disappointed, even heartbroken, but this should not be a deterrent.
-- primitive instincts are still very much alive. territoriality scares the shit out of me. I typically need three weeks to feel at ease with a person/place/thing, a luxury not afforded to an ADN student. my unease was always there, I just never had to journal about it and confront it before.
-- fake it till you feel it. the mind is a great and powerful force, capable of hurting and healing itself. I read an article online about the phenomenon in which acting in a certain way causes brain chemistry to adapt to your state of being. for example, the other night, I went in with the mindset that no matter how paralyzed by fear I was, I would force myself to walk in confidence. and you know what? it worked. I didn't stick to the strict script we are taught in lecture. I cursed myself for initiating a handshake, but all the client wanted to know was that I cared about them. and all that self-doubt and worrying and other silliness just didn't matter because all I need is empathy. I don't need a task to hide behind, like I did in Med-Surg. I just need to walk in heart-first, and I'll be fine.

And if I may share another story with you, I'll include no identifying information, just that information which I feel is essential for everyone to realize. A client who could easily say he or she had "The American Dream" in his or her pocket was admitted to the unit. On paper, everything was great: a happy marriage, a high-power position, a beautiful family, home ownership in the suburbs, good friends, etc. And yet, one day, the client booked an appointment with the family primary care physician and expressed feelings of depression. During the conversation, the PCP explained that in order to diagnose the client with depression, the client would have to exhibit at least five signs. The client demonstrated eleven. The client entered a crisis intervention program, and 4/5 of the way through the program, the insurance company pulled the plug on coverage. Finding no closure, the client returned home. About two weeks later, the client was home babysitting while the client's partner was out with friends and kissed the children for "what felt like the last time." When the partner returned home, the client shared these feelings with the partner, who called in backup to ensure the client's safety until a plan could be set in motion.

I feel this story is important for everyone to hear because the client's physician and family modeled excellent strategies to deal with depression. The partner did not take the client's feelings personally; instead, the partner reached out to their shared social support system in time of need and got the client the help the client needed. The physician did not dismiss or overlook the concerns of the client. Some terrifying fraction like one third of all people who attempt and succeed suicide see their primary care physicians within a week of the attempt. The number of individuals grows even larger, to something like three-fourths,who see their primary cares within a month of suicide. Every day, those with burdened hearts cry out for help and go entirely unnoticed. As a future nurse and citizen of humanity, I seek to keep an open mind and open heart to make fewer of those voices slip through our fingers.

AND IF YOU READ NO OTHER PART OF THIS BLOG ENTRY, LET IT BE THIS:

Sometimes, depression isn’t “caused.” It lies. It grows. It destroys. But mostly, depression just is. Outside things, other people, and accolades cannot make you happy. You have to make you happy. And sometimes, your brain chemistry makes it impossible to do so without drug therapy. Hearing this story – I think – made me really understand that mental illness is not a choice. It is not a product of your environment. It is not an unfortunate side effect of your life, decisions, and circumstances. It is a chemical process. Can depression be influenced by these things? Absolutely. But are these factors always a mean to the same end? no.

So walk in love, equipped with this knowledge, as I plan to do. 

and if by some crazy happenstance, dear client, you find my blog, I wish to thank you for the pleasure of getting to know you. I wish to thank you for the positive role modeling of compassion and understanding for others you demonstrated for us. I hope you realize how large an impact you had on me and my classmates. You are a kind, old soul. And again, I thank you.