on being brave

I'll keep this brief.

I must extend my deepest thanks to all of you who read my last post. also, I feel obligated to respond to the most popular response to it: some mention of my bravery. see, perhaps this is indicative of my line of thinking, I do not think of what I did as brave. in fact, I still sometimes look back at those two parts of my life with embarrassment. yea verily, I feel as though my depressive episodes were composed entirely of selfishness.

intellectually, I know this is not true. some days are fantastic, when I wake up invigorated and encouraged. other times, my self-talk pep talk can last as long as thirty minutes, followed by listening to "Push It" on repeat while doing jumping jacks -- in order to synthesize some feel-good hormones. a little mindfulness, a little effort, and I am whole. also, I am aware that I am lucky, very lucky. not everyone can compensate for their brain chemistry imbalances with a change of pace, with positive messaging, with love, with exercise and exercising gratefulness.

and for those individuals, I am going to fight. I am going to serve.

and what do I think is brave?
being honest with oneself and others. loving oneself and others. being your most authentic self. being.
so maybe, just maybe, I'm a little braver for being honest. and again, I thank you for your support and your love. I am better for knowing all of you.

and now, I must go. instead of using one homemade anti-blemish face mask recipe I found online like a normal person, I decided to COMBINE ALL THE RECIPES AND APPLY DIRECTLY TO FACE! so I should go to sleep before I lose my nerve and towel off my concoction. if it's a disaster, I'll post pictures. and if it's a miracle sludge, I'm taking it to the bank.

goodnight, loves. and like I said, many thanks.