coffee shop and the RN, or how to make anatomy approachable.

a patient once sarcastically remarked that being a barista was essential to finding me a husband and little else. (see: College Humor - a barista is the ultimate male fantasy) I jokingly retorted that a barista turned nursing student acts as more affordable, approachable psychiatric care, which is an essential service with healthcare costs so high.

but today in my physical assessment refresher course, we discussed how to assess the cranial nerves and their respective function. the instructor remarked that if a person can function in a coffee shop [as we from the bizz can tell you... there aren't many], we can effectively cite proper function in all twelve cranial nerves.

how, you ask? let me break it down.

CRANIAL NERVE I: OLFACTORY.

even if you don't particularly enjoy the taste of coffee, there are precious few who do not appreciate the smell of coffee. walk into the coffee shop and appreciate the smell of lovingly ground coffee, baking pastries, and toasting bagels or sandwiches; and you've got yourself a working first cranial nerve.

CRANIAL NERVE II: OPTIC.

if you can admire the pastries, read the menu, and notice JUST how attractive your barista is, congratulations! your second cranial nerve is hard at work.

CRANIAL NERVE III: OCULOMOTOR.

have you blinked? has the pleasurable smell of coffee impacted the size of your pupils? you've got a functional third cranial nerve, kid!

CRANIAL NERVE VI: TROCHLEAR.

look at you, moving your eyeballs up and down! whether it's to judge the outfit of the customer in front of you in line, read the menu without moving your entire neck, or dart between tempting treats in the bake case, it matters not. your fourth cranial nerve serves you well.

CRANIAL NERVE V: TRIGEMINAL.

once you've been handed your pastry of choice-- let's call it a chocolate croissant, you take that first bite... and sweet mastication! your fifth cranial nerve is in order.

CRANIAL NERVE VI: ABDUCENS.

with glee, you watch your marked cup or mug move laterally to the bar. cool story, bro. your sixth cranial nerve is totally intact.

CRANIAL NERVE VII: FACIAL.

has your pain de chocolat brought a smile to your face? has the anticipation of your latte caused you to weep with joy? more good news! your seventh cranial nerve is operational. (bad news? you're a little weird.)

CRANIAL NERVE VIII: VESTIBULOCOCHLEAR.

can you hear the whir of steaming milk, the crunch of freshly ground espresso beans, and the tinkling of smooth jazz? stay cool. your eighth cranial nerve is alright.

CRANIAL NERVE IX: GLOSSOPHARYNGEAL.

you take that first sip -- delicious! your ninth cranial nerve makes it taste oh, so good.

CRANIAL NERVE X: VAGUS.

your heart rate might increase a bit with the introduction of caffeine but before no time, your tenth cranial nerve is all like CHILL OUT and keeps your heart rate at a manageable level... you know, unless you drink espresso like a barista.

CRANIAL NERVE XI: SPINAL ACCESSORY.

you turn your neck to look for a seat. you swallow without choking or aspirating. "you're welcome," says your eleventh cranial nerve.

CRANIAL NERVE XII: HYPOGLOSSAL.

your friend kindly points out a bit of chocolate left on your lip. lick it off as seductively as you want, tiger. your twelfth cranial nerve's got you covered.

have any other anatomy questions you need answered with coffee?
lay 'em on me.